I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
