When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
