I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
