New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
It's never too late to be topless.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
