apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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