There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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