good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
