Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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