If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
