Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
