I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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