i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
