she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
