yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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