Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
