I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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