I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
