my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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