I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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