Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
