Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
