my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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