that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just had sex bonerless
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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