Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
