Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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