i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
