how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
