You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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