I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize