Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
