And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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