Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
