I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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