You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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