How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just invented taco cereal.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
