This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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