What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
