She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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