my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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