Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
