I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
