Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
