I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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