Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
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