I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
