Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
