Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
