gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
