Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
the night ended with taco bell and tears
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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