I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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