You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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