So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
