This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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