if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
