you have to choose: penises or morals?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
