Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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