well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
