Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
