The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
