the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So vagazzling was a success
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
