So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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