I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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