so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
