JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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