It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
