She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
